It's been a long day. My family was definitely under attack today. And I'm exhausted.

My chronic pain has been really bad this past week. I have something called TMJ which makes it hard to chew. So, I'm considering going on a diet of milkshakes and smoothies.

I didn't get much sleep last night due to nightmares about lions eating my head. No joke.

And I was really angry this evening because of everything. Everything was going wrong. Nothing was working out.

I know God is faithful. He's with me.

Now here's to a better day tomorrow! And three cheers for fragmented blog posts that make NO sense! :D

This is the post where I apologize for not blogging.

I'm sorry for not blogging.

That said, I have been busy. Between getting new couches, driving all around town, watching Secret Millionaire, school, and babysitting, well, life has been crazy. Oh, and did I mention that I was asked to be a forum moderator on NarniaWeb.com? That was pretty much the highlight of my month. ;) I'm enjoying being a mod so much! The moderators are great, and a lot less scary now that I am one. ;) When I got a PM asking me to mod, I pretty much freaked. So here's a shout out to my NWeb peeps that read my blog. You are all amazing!

Another thing I've been doing is exploring the world of scriptwriting, with this crazy person, my Pip. We're participating in the month of craziness known as Script Frenzy. It's been pretty fun. We're at 19 pages right now, though I'm working to bring that to 20. I just got distracted and had to blog. Oops. :P Our script is going amazingly well though, and if you'd like to keep up on our progress, we have a joint account here, as well as my own on the adult SF site.

Anyway, I'll try to get back into blogging. At this point, this is going to be a short post, because for the past two days I've had an extremely bad headache. Tuesday was kind of like my Monday, except my Monday was pretty crazy-busy too, as I spent the afternoon helping little kids learn how to do public speaking. So the past couple days have been kind of hard for me. Hence the title. This weekend was fun but exhausting, because we bought a new couch and spent half the weekend running around town. Since I have chronic pain, and part of what I deal with includes chronic fatigue, it's been hard to recover from doing so much. *sigh*

Prayers would be appreciated. I've just been feeling kind of down lately, especially because of my incessant headache, so if you have any encouraging words, please leave them in a comment. :) I've missed you guys! *hugs*

So tell me, how've you been?

Today's challenge is a hard one. A time when I felt passionate and alive?

I can't really pin down one, exactly. But I would have to say that there are a couple times I feel passionate and alive. First, when I write. And second, when I encounter Jesus in a personal way.

1. When I write.

I feel passionate and alive when I write - but perhaps the more accurate term would be when I'm inspired. That doesn't happen often enough, in my opinion. When I write something that makes me proud to be a writer - that's when I feel passionate and alive. When I know God is guiding my pen, and we're writing the story together; that's when I feel alive. When I create something beautiful, something wonderful. That's when I feel alive.

2. When I meet with Jesus.

This doesn't happen enough either. In fact, I wish it happened a lot more often. There have been a couple times I've met him in a new and startling way. It was at youth group. I had recently been diagnosed with a chronic pain syndrome, and I was mad at God, to be quite honest. I didn't even know I was mad at Him until the walls around my heart crumbled to the ground. I had distanced myself from Him, just because I didn't understand why He'd given me this trial. He met me there, at youth group, and I must say, I will never be the same. He wrapped his arms around me, hugging me, drawing me close. And he asked for my heart. I gave it to him, once again. I surrendered. And that's when I truly felt alive again.

P.S. - Need a dose of randomness? Check this out! Because who doesn't love bacon?

I put a widget on my sidebar yesterday containing Owl City's In Christ Alone, so that whoever comes to my blog will be able to press play and hear words of hope as they read the words I've written. But I didn't realize it would impact me.

It's been a harder day. I mean, to be honest, I was crying a few minutes ago. Why? Because my laptop is currently unusable.

Yeah. It's kind of dumb, but you have to understand where I'm coming from. My dad is disabled, and I have chronic pain, so the result is that we stay home a lot. Like, all the time. So my computer is my only window to the outside world.

Now, I have other computers to use. But in the midst of everything, that didn't seem to comfort me.

Until I logged onto my mom's computer, went to my blog, and pressed play.

Those words brought everything back to perspective. In CHRIST alone, my hope is found.


Not in a computer. Not in things. Not in my followers.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From a life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand 

My post about the history of my blog inspired me to go back and read some of my old blog posts. I found this one - from when I had JUST started blogging. It's amazing how much these words still ring true! And I find it ironic how something I wrote back when I was 10 could impact me now, nearly 5 years later. Amazing, isn't it?
(This is completely unedited. :P)

Hi everyone! I’m fresh back from the park! What in the world was I doing there?

 I was practicing riding my bike! I bet your thinking, Kylie, you should be able to ride a bike by now…but, I can’t. When I was little, I went to a park to practice. I was doing fine…until I came to a fork in the path. One was a little hill down…and the other was another mountain up (Okay, it wasn’t a mountain, but, I was little! What do you expect?). Guess which one I chose.   I chose the mountain! Down I fell, and I got a big goosebump right on my forehead.

    Well, after that, I was terrified of bikes. I tried to ride, and I would freak out, and I didn’t learn how to ride. So here I am, still learning, and I regret my fear.

    That’s a sort of a metaphor, you know. Fear is a kind of wall, maybe even a prison that keeps us from doing what we want to do. Later,  we regret our fear, but the next time it attacks us, the wall seems just too big to get through.

    Well guess what? Jesus is bigger than our fear, and he can take care of it. He’s always there, and he’ll never leave.

    So the next time you find yourself jumping in a closet when your friend suggests you ride a bike or watch a scary movie, remember what I said, and maybe ask Jesus to help you. He doesn’t want you to be afraid; he wants you to trust him.

    Well, I guess I’d better get to practicing my bike riding! See ya!
Kylie

I never did learn to ride a bike, because of my frequent headaches. However, this still really applies to my situations in everyday life. As long as we remember that perfect love casts out fear, we have nothing to hide from. I guess I should probably come out of the closet now.

It's extremely rare for me to find a song that sums up exactly how I'm feeling at any given moment. But if I did have one for today or even recently, this would have to be it.

Not much for conversation
I still find need to pray
Sometimes I get tired of walking
Through these ordinary days
If nothing else I get to see you
Even if we never speak
The harm of words though sometimes
We don't quite know
What they really mean

So let me lay down in this field
And stare up at the sky
I hope the days and clouds turn into something as they pass us by
And maybe you could settle for a skyline faded blue
I hope that you might settle for this love I have for You

I don't know where
I don't know how
I don't know why
But your love can make
These things better
Your love can make these things better
Your love can make these things better
Your love can make these things better
[These Ordinary Days, Jars of Clay]

This song has consistently remained one of my favorites, and like a lot of other songs, it represents a certain moment in my life. It represents the moments where I don't necessarily feel close to God, or worthy of him, but where I know he loves me all the same. It's the moments where I'm in the valley but I'm still holding onto hope. It reminds me of the days where the skies may seem gray but in reality, a skyline faded blue isn't far away. And through it all, His love can make these things better.

When I listen to this song, I picture Jesus and I lying on the grass, staring up at the sky. Simply being together. And sometimes I picture myself alone; dreaming of the day when we'll be together. Forever and ever.

I can't wait for that day. But for now, I'll continue to walk through these ordinary days, with my head up in the clouds, dreaming of the day when every moment will be eternity. I'm looking forward to it.

(The pictures aren't mine, but I made them look awesome. In other words... I found the pictures here, and I edited them. ;)

So, I woke up this morning, anxious to hear news about my grandpa, and the first thing my mom said to me was, "The surgery's been postponed till Monday."

My reaction: WHAT?!?!

Turns out, it's an amazingly good thing, and God is really working here. Grandpa was in pre-op when they checked his blood platelet count and found it was too low. The normal is 150,000, but he only has 80,000. So, his surgery will be on Monday.

If they HADN'T ended up checking his count, well... I shudder to think what could have happened. The platelets allow your blood to clot, and when the count is too low, your blood isn't able to form clots. Well, with heart surgery, that is a very bad thing. So I'm thanking God that this was taken care of.

They're bringing in a doctor to figure out why his count is so low, so please pray that:

1. They figure out why his count is so low, and that they'd be able to fix it.
2. That his surgery would go well on Monday.

Thank you so much, everyone, for your loving comments and your support. It means a lot to me, and I feel at peace even in the midst of all of this.

Well, it's been one of those days. Playing with kids, babysitting, and going to important meetings. I am pretty much brain-dead, so please excuse this post's lack of content.

I wanted to ask you all to pray for my grandpa. He's going to have open-heart surgery tomorrow because he has 90% blockage in one artery. It's a good thing they caught it now, and I'm so glad they did. He's out of state, which is hard because I want to be with him, but he's in good hands - God's hands. And it's not over yet.

I called him on the phone, literally crying my eyes out, and he goes, "Why are you crying? I'm not dead yet! Don't throw flowers on my grave when I'm not dead yet!"
Things were better after that. It was so good to hear his voice.

God told me, "it's not over." Which is amazing because this is one of my absolute favorite songs.

I remember all those nights
Your voice would shake from
The tears you cried
What's the meaning of this life?
Guilt can bring you to your knees
You can't escape the memories
When shame is all you feel inside

Don't look back
(Don't look back)
Leave what's broken in
The past, take my hand
(Take my hand)
And understand

It's not over
The best is yet to come
For us
Come for us
Night has faded
A brand new day has come
For us
Come for us

A million miles from
Where we've been
Hope's a road that has no end
I pray to God that we would make it through
Forgiveness always finds a way
A loving love that fears no pain
Just take a look at me and you

Don't give up
(Don't give up)
We've only just begun
I believe
I believe
I believe

It's not over
The best is yet to come
For us
Come for us
Night has faded
A brand new day has come
For us
Come for us

It's not over
The best is yet to come
For us
Come for us

It's not over
The best is yet to come
For us
Come for us
Night has faded
A brand new day has come
For us
Come for us

It's not over.

I opened a new blog entry because I feel the need to write something. Then I stared emptily at the blank screen, at a loss for words. It's not that I don't have a topic to write about - it's because I have too many. Words and ideas swirl around in my brain, a constant stream of thoughts that barely give me a moment's peace. It was the same way last night. I couldn't sleep because of the lyrics that kept showing up and tapping me on the shoulder. They begged to be written down, so how could I resist? Yet the penmarks on my page have yet to form one, complete song. They are still a bunch of random thoughts, scribbled out in the frenzy of inspiration. But it's getting there. And that's what matters.

I've had the random desire to read my Bible more often. It's highly unusual for me to have that happen, so I'm trying to soak it up all I can. I still have so much growing to do as a Christian. My life has yet to make total sense, to fit into the bigger picture. But isn't it that way for all of us?

I think we're scribblings on a page, placed exactly where God wants us. And we can rest in the fact that he's working in our lives, as the Author of Life. He'll take care of us and weave us perfectly into His plan. Someday we'll all be part of a beautiful masterpiece. We're already a part of one now - we just don't see it yet.

But until then...we're getting there. And that's what matters.

on my mind: lots of things...like how kids say the funniest things, how amazing it is that God loves me, and my new pair of humongous sunglasses. :P

praying for: Noah, as well as some other requests.

what I want to do this week: Write a little more of the story I started last night, maybe do some creating, play my guitar, and enjoy my family.

song of the week: Take Me As I Am, by FM Static (the lyrics in my title is from that song. It's worth a listen.)

what God has been teaching me: to let Him handle my life and to trust Him completely. Believe me, it's not an easy lesson to learn.

random fact about me: I. Hate. Peas. They're disgusting.

quote of the week: "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss.

these are a few of my favorite things...: rain, sunshine, music, and Sharpies.

looking forward to: babysitting some little boys this week, seeing my grandparents, and talking to my friends.


according to Him...: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I have a question...

Is it possible to have life be completely insane, and yet feel like everything is the same as before, boring and lifeless?

Just wondering...

Maybe it's just burnout. Wouldn't surprise me. Going and going doesn't work so well. Unless you're the Energizer bunny. Which, you all know - I'm so far from being the Energizer bunny. Haha....

I need to write something worth reading, but what? All ideas are fleeting. Inspiration has run away and locked itself in a closet, yet my desire to write remains. What should I write? Suggestions would be most welcome. I feel pretty dry... like I'm stranded in the middle of a desert with no water. I'm sure you can agree that pretty much stinks. It's stinky. It's more than stinky. It's a dumpster. [Random!]

At least this is just a season. At least...I think it is. May is busy! Oy...when will things calm down?! I'm so tired! :P

My rant is over. We will now return to regularly-scheduled programming.

[Okay....this song is completely cute. I just had to say that.]

It's not easy for me to post this poem. It's the first poem that I don't fully understand. I wasn't trying to put meaning into it, yet every time I read it I find something more that I never intended to write. This poem was penned the night after the sermon on weakness, and it was my overflow of thoughts from the night. None of them made total sense at the time, but I think that most of it was inspired by God.

It's because of the potent meaning in this poem that I'm sharing it with you, my closest friends. Feedback would be much appreciated, but not necessary. One of these days maybe I'll write what this poem means to me. But for now, I shall leave you with the poem itself. I hope this speaks to your heart in some way.

These lyrics pretty much sum up how I feel right now.

yes, i know i just posted. but i just...feel like writing right now. and for my sanity's sake, there will be no uppercase letters in this post if i can help it. enjoy the imperfection... i just need to write without thinking about the rules.

i've been having trouble being content lately. it's one of those weeks where my hormones are raging, and i really don't feel like being happy. i've been reading in my Bible about joy, and even wrote a devotional about it at beautiful in Christ. but it's been really hard for me to take to heart. i know joy isn't based on circumstances, but i'm trying to figure out how to make it otherwise (at least in my life).

living in the city has been really annoying for me lately, because i want to go out and have adventures. there's not much adventure to find in the city, obviously, unless you want to throw yourself into rush hour traffic (and then again, that's just stupid). also, i've been having trouble finding things to creatively photograph, and because i like creatively photographing things, that's been kind of frustrating. as silly as it sounds, i start feeling really down when i'm not able to be creative. i'm not sure what that's about, but it seems to fit my personality. *shrugs*

i had a good idea for my introduction speech, so i'm going to be working on that. then again, i've also been having issues with procrastination. like, serious procrastination. so, even though i came up with the idea last night, this is actually the first time i've thought about my introduction. *headesk*

i have to get going (sleep is awesome, i'm discovering), but i just have to leave you with this video that i love.




there now. wasn't that sweet? :D

love to you all! remember, His love is yours.

Our God is in control!! He hasn't taken His eye off His children in Haiti. He's holding every one of us. We just have to trust Him.

My mom was telling me about the devastation in Haiti, and especially about what's been going on at an orphanage/outreach we support there, called For His Glory. Things aren't looking good, and the situation seemed even worse than I had thought. I felt so helpless... and sorrow overwhelmed me. What could I possibly do? Praying seemed futile at this point, although I knew that was the best thing I could do. Honestly, I wanted to ship my whole family and I out to Haiti!

Then I watched this video (above). The pictures of all the adorable children made me smile, but it almost made me more sad. But as I watched more, I heard the Steven Curtis Chapman song in the background. The lyrics really stood out to me - "Our God is in control."

I realized it isn't up to us to save Haiti. Our God is still watching over Haiti. He hasn't abandoned them. He knows. And He's taking care of all of us... we just can't see it yet. We just have to trust Him... because He knows what He's doing.

So in your prayers and efforts to help, just know that there's more going on here that we can't see. God has a plan, far beyond anything we can understand. He will take care of the people of Haiti. He is taking care of them far better than mere humans ever could. Surrender everything to Him... because He can handle it. He's got it all under control.

Lord, my heart is sad hearing about the devastation in Haiti. I pray that you would be with the people who are now homeless, wounded, and grieving. Help them to know you are there, and draw them to you. Sustain them, Father... be their hope.

Please join me in praying for those affected by the earthquake in Haiti. At least three million people were affected and Haiti is in desperate need of our prayers, now more than ever. The earthquake has killed so many and left others homeless, injured, and grieving. It has literally devastated their nation. Besides their extreme poverty and malnourishment, the people of Haiti are in need of Jesus. Let us stand and fight for the Haitians in the best way we can.... through prayer.

I encourage you to read my friend Catey's post on this subject. She has more information on the culture and spiritual state of Haiti, as well as a sobering and heartfelt poem.

Come on, prayer warriors. Let's pray.

I just got back from a doctor's appointment. A lot of you may not know this, but I've struggled with headaches for as long as I can remember. We've tried several things to try to get rid of my headaches, but they've never really gone away. Although they vary in intensity and duration, I get these headaches almost everyday and have neck/shoulder/back pain to go on top of it. I try not to let it slow me down, but it can get very frustrating... which is how I feel right now.

Because it's hard for me to find relief, we wanted to follow-up with my doctor to see what else we could do to get to the bottom of this. The appointment went well; he was very listening and just asked us to tell him everything we'd noticed about these headaches. Then we went from there, and he seemed to know what needed to happen next. It was helpful for me to know that he wants to get to the bottom of this too.

Basically, he wants me to try a medication to see if it helps my migraines, and I also have to get an MRI. I'm not too worried about the MRI, since I've done one before, but this time I have to have a dye injected into my veins so they can see my blood vessels better. I wonder if I'll change color? LOL.

Aside from that, I'm going to take some vitamins that are known to help with migraines/headaches. I think that the MRI will help my doctor know which way to go, so that's basically the next step in this process. I do feel better that we are moving closer to finding thecause, and hopefully the cure.

So, I'd like to turn this whole thing into a prayer request. I would appreciate your prayers that God would make it clear to us what we need to do, and that my headaches would go away or at least lessen. Most of all, pray that I would continue to feel His presence in all of this. Thanks so much - I love you all!

Every one of us has our downpoints. It's a fact of life. We can't have mountains without valleys, and unfortunately the valleys tend to outnumber the high places. Life is all about growing deeper in our relationship with God, and learning to cling to Him when things get rough... although it's never easy.

The different paths God has placed each of us on are truly incredible...but they can be incredibly difficult sometimes. I don't pretend to be very experienced, but I have had several experiences that have proved God's faithfulness again and again.

It's only easy for me to see the purpose of those experiences now that I'm out of those particular valleys. When I'm in the midst of rough times, my perspective can be (and usually is) very different. I can't see the full picture. Even on top of the mountains, I may not understand. What I do know is that God is in control. At those times where we can only guess at what He's doing, the only thing we can hold fast to is that he does have a plan.

If you're reading this, you're most likely a close friend of mine or a family member, and you're going through struggles too. No matter how big or small your hardships may be, they are there. You may be in a mountain or a valley, but regardless, our troubles never completely disappear.

I've noticed that in blogging, most of us (myself included) only write about when we're on the mountains. I personally am a naturally reserved person so I don't feel comfortable sharing about most of my struggles. Then I realized that's withholding a whole other side of my life, and that "honest blogging" is a very rare but needed thing.

I decided yesterday that I want to try my hand at writing honestly, but I know it's easier said than done. On this blog, I've created a more private environment where I can feel more comfortable saying what I mean. While I won't gossip or say anything that I might regret, I will be more honest and open about what's really happening in my life.

I only know one, maybe two honest bloggers, and I appreciate their posts more than they know. I don't know about anyone else, but I really do want to read the honest and authentic posts about reality and hardship, because they help me see that I'm not alone. By reading this blog, I hope you'll get a greater idea of who I am, and I hope that maybe you won't feel so alone either.

This is my true journey... further up and further in.