It's midnight, and I just got done watching the movie Unstoppable. Basically, it's about a train... that is unstoppable. It was my first real suspense movie.

It's midnight, and I should be sleeping, but I'm too excited to sleep. There's something about the adrenaline rush; the feeling you get when you see ordinary people do heroic things. I want to write something just as amazing, a story about someone who does something heroic.

You get all stressed over the outcome. Will they win? Will they lose? Who will live? Who will die?

And then the end comes. And you are completely, utterly satisfied.

Ordinary people doing heroic things. That's the kind of person I want to be.

I opened a new blog entry because I feel the need to write something. Then I stared emptily at the blank screen, at a loss for words. It's not that I don't have a topic to write about - it's because I have too many. Words and ideas swirl around in my brain, a constant stream of thoughts that barely give me a moment's peace. It was the same way last night. I couldn't sleep because of the lyrics that kept showing up and tapping me on the shoulder. They begged to be written down, so how could I resist? Yet the penmarks on my page have yet to form one, complete song. They are still a bunch of random thoughts, scribbled out in the frenzy of inspiration. But it's getting there. And that's what matters.

I've had the random desire to read my Bible more often. It's highly unusual for me to have that happen, so I'm trying to soak it up all I can. I still have so much growing to do as a Christian. My life has yet to make total sense, to fit into the bigger picture. But isn't it that way for all of us?

I think we're scribblings on a page, placed exactly where God wants us. And we can rest in the fact that he's working in our lives, as the Author of Life. He'll take care of us and weave us perfectly into His plan. Someday we'll all be part of a beautiful masterpiece. We're already a part of one now - we just don't see it yet.

But until then...we're getting there. And that's what matters.

⁶For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness, made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

⁷But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. ¹²So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

¹³It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken."^b]">[b]With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, ¹⁴because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. ¹⁵All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

¹⁶Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. ¹⁸So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 1 Corinthians 4:6-18.

~

This is what I needed to hear today. I'd encourage you to read through the words and really ponder what they mean. The thought that God's light is a treasure inside me -- when I am nothing but a jar of clay -- is incredible. This is now one of my favorite passages, and I hope to memorize at least some of it eventually.

The topic of light has been on my mind a lot lately. What the Bible says about God being the Light has stuck in my brain and I've been contemplating what the analogy means. Any thoughts on that?

[Side note: Well, I changed my template around. I've been trying to figure out Blogger's HTML, and it's been quite an experience. I've had a lot of fun today experimenting around with this. I can't decide if I like this template... I mean I do, but there are some things I don't like. What do you think?]

Tonight we went to church, and I got to see a few families who have gotten their children from Haiti! It has been amazing to see how God's sovereignty has prevailed, even in the midst of disaster. My heart is overwhelmed just thinking about His goodness. How great is our God!

The church service was amazing tonight. Oh my goodness. Our pastor's brother spoke, and he had the most encouraging message I've heard in a long time. His topic? Embracing your weakness. This is the key verse he used throughout the sermon, and even though I've read it many times I'm just now seeing it in a new light:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. - 1 Corinthians 12:9

Wow. Isn't that powerful? Jesus is able to work through us when we are weak, rather than when we are strong. He wants us to rely on His strength.

God wants us to grow through affliction. Sometimes He will deliver us from it, and sometimes He won't. It's been so hard for me to understand this. Then I realized... Jesus pleaded with His Father before he was going to be crucified, asking if there was any possible way this cup could be taken from Him. God had to say no, so that His perfect plan would prevail.

The speaker shared the story of two pots. One of them was formed perfectly, had no flaws, and always came back from the well full of water. The other was cracked and broken, and had many imperfections. One day, the Master said to the broken pot, "I knew you were cracked and imperfect, and so I took the time to walk behind you and scatter seeds. The water that you leaked was used to let those seeds grow, and now they are the flowers and trees that bring beauty to your path."

Isn't that powerful? I loved that story! This whole concept makes me think of a song my dad has sung to me ever since I was a baby, and you probably know it --

These lyrics pretty much sum up how I feel right now.

I want to be in the mountains right now. It's a place of solitude, of rest. I want to be in the quiet, away from just... life. Silence is truly a valued thing, I've learned, especially this week. There's been so much noise and chaos I can hardly feel myself think. Even right now, the sound of a vacuum reverberates in my ears. Sigh.

This has been a harder week. I feel like I've constantly been fighting spiritual battles. I'm getting worn down. In a way, it's interesting to be feeling like I'm in the midst of a battle, but the opposition feels so strong. Sometimes I feel like evil is pressing in on every side. I've found new meaning in the Psalms wrote about being surrounded. I've been trying to remember my spiritual armor (according to Ephesians 6), and that has helped, but I'm still trying to grasp the exact meaning of that. How do you put on spiritual armor? Is it an allegory or word picture? Or actual virtues that we can put into practice that shield us from evil? I'm not sure I really understand that concept... yet.

Tonight at church it became clear for me... what life and our walk with God are all about -- following Jesus. When Jesus called each of His disciples, He said, "Follow me." He didn't say, "Join the church," or "Do this, do that." He didn't even say, "Change your lifestyle." He said, "Follow me." He knew that once someone followed Him, Jesus would naturally become the focus of their lives. Their desires would fall into line with His, and thus reflect His heart. Our focus needs to be Jesus in order for everything else to be right. Christianity is not about figuring out what's right and wrong, it's about following Jesus and letting Him tweak our desires to fit into His plan. When He's our focus, everything else will fall into place. It's that simple.

So, tonight I became a Jesus Follower. I may have been one before, but this year, I'm determined to follow Him even more. I'm praying that He will be my one source, my leader, my guiding light... my King. I know He will be. This year, I want my focus to be Jesus... nothing else. I pray that He is yours too.

(Wow. That went in a totally different direction than I thought it would. It felt so awesome just to write, though. In a way, this blog has been very therapeutic. I know I already posted tonight, but that's bound to happen. I have too many thoughts spilling over. The beauty of journaling, and probably why I enjoy it so much is that there are no rules.)

Oh, one last note - I have my MRI on Monday. I've done one before so I'm not too worried, but maybe a little nervous. I would so appreciate your prayers!