So here's what's going on with me.

I've hit my very rock bottom. And it's kind of a good place to be.

Because sometimes, when you hit rock bottom, that's when you can come back up again. That's when you can heal.

I've sustained a lot of grief, wounds, and trauma in my lifetime. I've lost a lot of friends. I've felt abandoned and rejected more than once. When I was nine, two family friends lost their children in the same year. I also lost a friend in a very sudden and traumatic way this year, and it's all come to a breaking point.

And I'm realizing that I never fully dealt with that. All of it.

So here I am, at the age of sixteen, having all this pain and grief resurface. It's a pretty horrible place to be. I'm glad that I can start to heal now, but that doesn't mean it isn't pretty hellish in the meantime.

See, the way I am is that I don't want to hurt people. Trust me, that's the last thing I want. So somewhere along the line I decided that it would be better to hurt myself by keeping everything inside of me than by hurting other people by letting it out.

My heart is a house that's full of a bunch of trash.

And it's time to clean it out.

So this is my journey of hope, of life, of love. Of pain and tears and suffering.

And hopefully, of healing.

This is me. Broken paper heart and all.

I hope you can be gentle with me during this time. Treat me gently. Trust me, it will mean the world.

Because after all, dreams and people break so easily. So do hearts.

Please be careful with mine.
I wish I could cross my arms, and cross your mind
Cause I believe you'd unfold your paper heart and wear it on your sleeve
~
I wish I had covered all my tracks completely cause I'm so afraid
Is that the light at the far end of the tunnel or just the train?
Lift your arms only heaven knows, where the danger grows
And it's safe to say there's a bright light up ahead and help is on the way
I forget the last time I felt brave, I just recall insecurity
Cause it came down like a tidal wave, and sorrow swept over me
Then I was given grace and love, I was blind but now I can see
Cause I found a new hope from above, and courage swept over me
~
It hurts just to wake up, whenever you're wearing thin
Alone on the outside, so tired of looking in
The end is uncertain and I've never been so afraid
But I don't need a telescope to see that there's hope
And that makes me feel brave.

ever since i posted my last post, i've been struggling to write. go figure, eh? writing suddenly became challenging for me, and i'm wondering if i'm even ready to write this story yet. so i've been dabbling in other writings, and working on other things, and working on high school biology. the last one in and of itself has been challenging.

as of tomorrow, it's a month until nanowrimo. i'm still trying to figure out what i'm going to write. oh dear. we'll see how this goes.

life has been so busy. there are so many good blogposts i want to write; inspiring blog posts that encourage my creative side. i have all these ideas while i'm trying to fall asleep, and then when i wake up i don't remember them. so this blog post, i hope, will make up for the lack of blog posts. sometimes i just have to let it go, write in lowercase, and ramble.

my laptop also broke again, after just getting it back from the repair shop. apparently the first repair wasn't successful, so back to the computer shop it went. this means i do not have access to my adobe photoshop, and my creative-graphics side is suffering. this is rather frustrating, but at least i haven't been wasting time making avatars when i could be doing other things. it's a win-win situation... i guess. :p

hey, look - it's wall-e!

i've been anxious lately, over trivial things, and trying not to be. unfortunately, it doesn't work to try not to be anxious. i think i'm mostly over it now. ha... emphasis on the word mostly. still, i'm learning that i don't need to be afraid. i don't need to be afraid of making the wrong choices, or of failing. i don't need to be afraid of... well, anything.

however, putting this into practice is easier said than done.

i don't need a telescope to see that there's hope and that makes me feel brave. -owl city

i've been wondering what would happen in the blog-world if we dropped our masks and posted from our heart. i guess this is what i'm trying to do right now. it kind of helps when i can't even think straight. :P chronic pain can do that to a person. someday, i'll write a post about headaches and chronic pain and all that comes with it. but for now, i'm in too much pain. haha, isn't that so ironic?

note to self: headbanging is not a good activity to engage in when you already suffer from headaches. i have a really bad headache now, unfortunately.

that is all.

I opened a new blog entry because I feel the need to write something. Then I stared emptily at the blank screen, at a loss for words. It's not that I don't have a topic to write about - it's because I have too many. Words and ideas swirl around in my brain, a constant stream of thoughts that barely give me a moment's peace. It was the same way last night. I couldn't sleep because of the lyrics that kept showing up and tapping me on the shoulder. They begged to be written down, so how could I resist? Yet the penmarks on my page have yet to form one, complete song. They are still a bunch of random thoughts, scribbled out in the frenzy of inspiration. But it's getting there. And that's what matters.

I've had the random desire to read my Bible more often. It's highly unusual for me to have that happen, so I'm trying to soak it up all I can. I still have so much growing to do as a Christian. My life has yet to make total sense, to fit into the bigger picture. But isn't it that way for all of us?

I think we're scribblings on a page, placed exactly where God wants us. And we can rest in the fact that he's working in our lives, as the Author of Life. He'll take care of us and weave us perfectly into His plan. Someday we'll all be part of a beautiful masterpiece. We're already a part of one now - we just don't see it yet.

But until then...we're getting there. And that's what matters.

Edmund is one of the characters in Narnia that I find the most dynamic. He's such an amazing picture of how all of us need grace and someone to save us. C.S. Lewis is one of my favorite authors and he never fails to surprise me - I can always think of something new and incredibly genius that he put into his books that I've never seen before.

Anyway, I had a major inspiration kick this week and made some graphics using lyrics from some of my favorite songs that remind me of Edmund. These blends are some of my favorites that I've ever made, and I wanted to share them, along with the song lyrics. (If you're reading this from the mailing list, you'll have to go to my blog to view them.)



{Stop right there. That's exactly where I lost it.
See that line. Well I never should have crossed it.
Stop right there. Well I never should have said
That it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back.

I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
I'm ready to be sure I never become that way again
'cause who I am hates who I've been.
Who I am hates who I've been.
- Who I Am Hates Who I've Been, Relient K}

I have a question...

Is it possible to have life be completely insane, and yet feel like everything is the same as before, boring and lifeless?

Just wondering...

Maybe it's just burnout. Wouldn't surprise me. Going and going doesn't work so well. Unless you're the Energizer bunny. Which, you all know - I'm so far from being the Energizer bunny. Haha....

I need to write something worth reading, but what? All ideas are fleeting. Inspiration has run away and locked itself in a closet, yet my desire to write remains. What should I write? Suggestions would be most welcome. I feel pretty dry... like I'm stranded in the middle of a desert with no water. I'm sure you can agree that pretty much stinks. It's stinky. It's more than stinky. It's a dumpster. [Random!]

At least this is just a season. At least...I think it is. May is busy! Oy...when will things calm down?! I'm so tired! :P

My rant is over. We will now return to regularly-scheduled programming.

[Okay....this song is completely cute. I just had to say that.]

I love this more than anything.

Writing is in my soul. Creating was what I was born to do.

Lately I've been co-authoring, and my friend and I have been writing yet another novel. But not tonight.

Tonight, God wrote through us.

The chills won't stop. I could feel Him. These were not my words. They were His. They are His.

Lord, my books are Yours. I am Yours. I don't want to write unless you are there, writing with me and through me. Show me the way, guide me and let me always love you.

Let Your words be my own.

Okay, so I found this snippet of writing that I wrote a while ago. I was actually trying out Write or Die, which is where you have to write a certain amount of words in a certain amount of time [i.e., 500 words in 10 minutes]. It's actually really neat, and as you can imagine, I was typing whatever came to mind in order to reach my goal. This is the result. I wasn't sure what I was thinking of when I wrote it, but I think I had Adam in mind [you know, as in Adam & Eve], and I think you might understand once you read it. I like to think it's some sort of freestyle. Anyway, I thought you would enjoy reading it. [and in case you're wondering, I came up with the title "A Hundred Stones" on the spot.]
I don't know what I did,
I was sure that something would be better than nothing.
I ate some fruit... that's all I did.
Why has it unleashed this punishment on the earth?
I can't understand... why is this happening?
The generations after me will hate me,
And they will know that I was the one who let evil be unleashed.
God, where are you?
I can't see you, hear you, or feel you.
Where have you gone?
Please, please come back.
Life is not worth living without you.
I miss our easygoing walks in the gardens,
Where I could tell you anything that was on my heart.
I miss being so innocent, so carefree.
Where has that carefree spirit gone?
My heart is heavy, weighted by a hundred stones.
I cannot bear the consequences I must face.
God, my father, please, make this easier to bear.
Help me to feel that you are there.

It's not easy for me to post this poem. It's the first poem that I don't fully understand. I wasn't trying to put meaning into it, yet every time I read it I find something more that I never intended to write. This poem was penned the night after the sermon on weakness, and it was my overflow of thoughts from the night. None of them made total sense at the time, but I think that most of it was inspired by God.

It's because of the potent meaning in this poem that I'm sharing it with you, my closest friends. Feedback would be much appreciated, but not necessary. One of these days maybe I'll write what this poem means to me. But for now, I shall leave you with the poem itself. I hope this speaks to your heart in some way.