further up & further in.: May 2012

I stumbled across a new character development tool for writers, and the idea intrigued me. Started by Rosamund Gregory, the goal of this new monthly blog event is to focus on first person character development. As she says, "it's very good to be able to get inside one's characters' minds in order to understand them. Even if you're writing in third person, you learn new things about your friends that you would never have known otherwise." This new prospect is titled Character Letters, and the description is pretty much what it sounds like: Write a letter from the perspective of your character.

For this round, I've decided to use Elleri Cay Bastion, the main character in my Camp NaNoWriMo novel, Corruption. As I've mentioned before in her Beautiful People post, Elleri lives in a refuge for superheroes. It's got a long, complicated history, but in short, it was founded by Heath and Elleri's mom, Catie. Unfortunately, Catie died, which profoundly affected all of those who knew her. Elleri's fellow students are Theo and Ayden, and you'll get to know them a bit more in this letter. (I've been pondering the idea of putting a post together introducing my entire cast. Would you like that?)

Elleri wrote this letter in her sketchbook, on a plain piece of tan paper. Her handwriting is simple and straightforward. She's more of an artist than a writer, and doesn't believe much in her writing abilities. But she is an artist, so she can use artistic and poetic metaphors to get the point across when she feels the need.

One of the prompts to choose from this month is yesterday's events. I didn't stick to that idea as much as I could have, but I felt like a little introduction was necessary to help you understand Elleri. Enjoy.

—

Dear Mom,

I miss you. I guess I should get that out of the way before I say anything else.

It's just the same old routine since you left. Not much has changed by way of our schooling and everyday life. Emotionally, we're all different, but our life has carried on, whether we wanted it to or not. And of course, Zane has left, but other than that, it's just me, Theo, Ayden, and Heath.

Heath misses you. I know he does. It's not the same without you. To be honest, if he had to pick between the death of you and the death of me, I think he'd pick me. It's understandable, of course. He loved you, you know.

Ayden, Theo, and I are continuing our studies. We're pretty much the Three Musketeers. Heath keeps to himself most of the time. There's still a huge hole where you left. You were so patient. I miss your smile, your sweet kindness. It's not only Heath that has suffered from your loss. We all have.

Yesterday the three of us went out into "the real world" for the first time in a long while. Heath was reluctant to let us go. It's getting harder to hide our powers. You know that. I guess I have it the easiest out of all of them. All I have to do is slap on a pair of sunglasses. Ayden, though... man. How on earth does he hide the flames that burst from his fingertips? He's learned how to hide it well. We all have.

Our trip out into the open air yesterday was for once motivated for fun rather than necessity. I brought my sketchbook. It's autumn now. The leaves are crimson. You used to love this time of year. It was nice to just walk leisurely through the park. We don't do that nearly often enough. For once I felt at least halfway normal. Almost. I had a taste of fun for the first time in what feels like forever.

Ayden met up with some teens who were playing street basketball, so while he was doing that, Theo and I sat on a bench under the shade and talked a lot. You were right, Mom. He is brilliant. He's the only friend I have, and he knows me so very well. He's the only one who really gets me, now that you're gone.

Towards the end of the day, the sun was dipping below the horizon, and we came upon the fountain in the middle of the square. I don't know why, but somehow we all ended up splashing in it. We all came home soaking wet. It was marvelous. We flung water at each other's faces and created quite a scene. It's a wonder we weren't discovered, since my sunglasses fell off several times. I don't know what we were thinking. But it was fun.

You died almost four years ago now. We'll never be the same. I will say that it's a little easier to bear. We've created a new normal for ourselves. I'm almost used to you being gone. And even admitting that hurts.

I love you.

--- Elleri

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I keep my knees black and blue

'Cuz they often hit the hardwood floor

{Wake me if you're out there.}

And I believe so I'm not praying to the ceiling

Anymore

- Owl City, Angels

I don't really know what the purpose of this post is. I just feel inspired to write.

I've been caught up in memories of the past. Wanting to take hold of them and never let them go. I look back on my past with rose-tinted glasses (most of the time). Wondering, why was my life so perfect back then? Why can't I go back to last summer?

Or with novels: Why was my NaNo novel so easy? It was perfect. And now, while I'm trying to plot for my Camp NaNo novel, why is it so dang hard?

Why can't my life stay the same?

It's hard for me to remember that those memories happened unintentionally. And the only way I can hold onto those memories is to create new ones. I wasn't trying to have a good summer. It happened when I wasn't looking for it. And that's the way it has to be this year, too. And the year after that.

I can't force my life to be wonderful. It just happens. It will happen when I don't understand why, or how, my life is so good. And maybe it won't be perfect. Last summer had its own flaws. But maybe that's what makes the beautiful moments seem so wonderful in my mind.

I did have a rough summer. A rough year last year. But I still have a handful of sunshine colored-memories. I had my ups and my downs.

And yet at the same time, I'm struggling with how to balance this all out. I don't really even know what I'm trying to say. I feel like I'm painting an unrealistic picture for you all. My life is... hard. Seriously. It is. I've been unsure of how to say this for a while now. I think I've mentioned this a couple times before, but I'd just like to say it now, officially: I have chronic pain. It's called fibromyalgia. This means that I have pain and fatigue nearly 100% of the time. I struggle every day to do things that "normal" people don't have a problem with. I don't remember what it's like to be pain-free.

I don't really say this to get sympathy. Yes, it is nice to have your encouragement and support. But I'm mainly saying it to get it off my chest. To be completely honest with you and tell you about who I am offline and what I struggle with. I've got tears in my eyes because this is such a personal thing and I'm afraid to post it.

So, I don't know how to do this whole life thing. As I wrote in my journal last night, I don't want to think of my life as perfect, even though I sometimes do. I don't want to forget about my struggles amidst the sunshine-colored memories. Because life is hard. And sometimes it's going to stink. But I don't want to look at my life negatively either. Because life is pretty amazing, when you look at it. And we have to take the good moments and keep them in our pockets for the rainy days that are bound to come. It's a balance, I guess. Learning to take the good and the bad.

The shadow proves the sunshine. That's a Switchfoot song. It was recently brought to my attention by the title of a good friend's Tumblr. I still need to listen to the actual song in its entirety. But it's the title itself that speaks to me. Darkness has to happen for us to appreciate the light.

Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I love it. But those are just my feelings. My feelings can't rule my life. Life may not feel good, but it is good. God may not always feel good, but He is.

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