I'm not sure what exactly to say. Her service was on Saturday. It was a time of mixed emotions. If I could sum it up, I'd say this whole thing has been good in some ways and impossibly hard in others. I never wanted to lose her. But, since I did have to, this is one of the best ways she could have gone. I am immeasurably grateful for the visits we spent and the time we had with her.

But it's hard not to go to the mountains and see her everywhere. Especially at her old house. The decorations she put up; the things exactly as she left them. It made it hard to breathe some of the time. I didn't cry until I got home. I had been okay while we were up there, but when we got back, I felt really awful about the visit.

Now that I've had time, I'm grateful for the visit. We pulled off by the pond near their old house, and I sat there taking pictures and the water calmed my soul. I'm sure Grandma walked past it tons of times. I wonder what she thought when she was looking at it, too.


It's incredibly hard. I'm going to say that. I miss her so much. I want to follow that up with "I'm glad she's in a better place," because I am. But some days, it doesn't quite dull the hurt. Actually, most days, it doesn't even touch it.

Life resumes to normal tomorrow, and we'll keep going forward, like we always do. In a way, it's weird for life to continue because there will be a hole that will never be fixed. Even at her own funeral, someone was missing--her. And I feel that absence almost every minute of every day of my life. I probably will for a very long while. She was too special to not be missed.

She has been one of the most important parts of my life, and I'm so glad to have known her. I'll probably always see that pond and the mountains, and think of her and how much she loved life, and, as the song Saturn by Sleeping at Last says, how beautiful it is that we even exist.